


Breaking Point Can Be A new Start.

by Chandler



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Cutting, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Happy ending I swear!, I can't kill Tony, I'm Sorry, I'm so sorry, Keep in mind it's an attempt, M/M, Multi, My poor Tony, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Team as Family, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, why did I do this?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-06-10 04:14:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6939205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chandler/pseuds/Chandler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony can't do this anymore, he's to tired and hurt. Not like anyone will miss him though, right?<br/>Wrong!<br/>And Tony will find out just how wrong he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. His goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry guys I really am, the cutting and attempt is based off of my own thoughts and experiences. Yes I wrote the poems on my own....I'm just a little ray of sunshine. XP Love you all! I will end the story with happiness I promise!  
> <3 XD

“The pit, the void, the darkness, whatever you want to call it;  
It’s swallowing you, eating you whole, shrouding you in cold;  
Why?  
I don’t know, not even sure where it comes from really.  
It shows up randomly, comes and goes as it pleases;

It never truly leaves you though because once it’s got a taste of you, when you’ve invited it in, acknowledged it,  
It will never leave you.  
I suppose you could find comfort in that if you wanted to, never alone and all that.  
I mean, isn’t that what we fear most?  
I think it is but I know that what should be feared more is the void, the darkness, the thing with no real name.

It’s scary. It scares everyone, but at the same time they welcome it.  
Strange isn’t it?  
To be so afraid of something yet so dependent on it, even when it’s tearing you apart.  
How?  
I’ll tell you.

It starts in your head, brings up thoughts, represses emotion, traps you in your head, turns it into a maze that you can never beat, makes it too dark to see.  
When your mind loses the battle, as most do, it moves onto the rest of your body.  
Tired, out of place, not really there, cornered, broken, a ghost; that’s what you’ll become. You might last a bit before you lose this battle too.  
Then the void, the darkness, the no name, becomes you. It takes complete control of your mind and body, allies them together.  
By this time you don’t fight because you already know that you’ve lost the war;

So you accept that you’re worthless, you’re alone, your despair becomes engraved into your very being;  
You accept that you’re ugly, cold, a shell of what used to be a human, isolated, unloved, hated, despised, pitied, and pathetic.  
You accept these things, they’re the truth and you know it.

And no matter how much they try to convince you that they’re there for you, only a call away, ready to help, to listen,  
They’re not.  
I think that they’d like to be but all you’ll be is an inconvenience, a burden.  
You know this and I know this to be fact, but they keep pushing this lie at you;  
I believe that they’re trying to convince themselves more than you.  
Because you don’t matter, don’t let them fool you and don’t fool yourself.

You know this is true, even as you try to cower in a corner and hide like the coward you truly are,  
You know it’s true.  
I know this as a fact.

How?

Why, you haven’t figured it out yet have you?  
Oh dear, you poor _fool_.  
You haven’t learned a thing have you?  
Surely you can’t be this stupid.  
…I suppose you are, amongst other things.  
(Sigh) Fine, I shall tell you.

_I_ am the void, the darkness, the thing with no real name,  
And you invited me in long ago.

I shall never leave you, know that now, not truly;  
That’s my best trick; I’ll hide, let you think that you’ve escaped me, _abandoned_ me, _defeated_ me;  
But you haven’t, and you never will;  
I’m the only one that will stay with you forever, will never lie, always be constant, and protect you from the hurt and lies that they provide.

You invited me in, remember?  
Therefor I own you.  
You are my property, what I say you are, my toy, my meal;  
Never forget this, for this is the truth, the sooner you accept this the easier it’ll be.

I have reminded you of me as best I could, explained what I am since you seem to have forgotten everything.  
But now you’ll remember.

I am the pit, the void, the darkness, the thing with no name.

I.  
Am.  
You.  
_And I shall never leave.”_

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I won’t. This pain inside of me, I can’t deal with it anymore. I wake up with pain, regret, elf-hate, and loneliness. I go to sleep and it multiplies and I can’t deal with it anymore.

At one point the cutting helped, it helped push the pain back a bit, reminded me I was still alive, still here. It grounded me, with each cut my mind cleared, but now. Now it doesn’t do anything but add color to my arm and leg. I can’t even feel it anymore. I’m a shell of a human now, I’m dead inside, what’s outside going to do? Not like anyone will miss me, not my team, my family my friends. The media and the world will just call me an attention whore and a selfish asshole, they won’t care, and neither will I.

I read something today, it was called Canvas and it spoke to me on so many levels,

 

_A canvas, that's what she sees, in fact that's all she ever see's,_

_A blank canvas waiting for her to make a work of art._

_She's talented, one of the best I've ever seen, she doesn't know I see her, so she starts to create her masterpiece, her work of art,_

_Her way to escape the world._

_She takes one look and thinks of her day, and then she knows exactly what to create,_

_With a stroke here and stroke there she starts to fill in the blank canvas,_

_She often tries her best to not make a mess, though she doesn't always succeed._

_She works fast and when she's done she looks at her art for a minute before she looks away, and begins to wash her blade._

_The color red starts to drip, the only color she'll ever use._

_The next thing she washes would be her canvas, she then watches red fill up the sink._

_The colors gone but the marks are still there, she carefully dries her arm with a towel._

_She never looks in the mirror; she absolutely hates what she sees._

_She quickly washes her face, so the tears go away._

_She then hides her blade and pulls down her sleeve to cover her work, and then she pushes herself up straight and opens the door to greet the day._

_The last thing she does is smile, the perfect disguise; you'll hardly ever see her without it._

_She smiles and laughs and no one ever gives her a second thought._

_This has become her daily routine, one that seemed to go on forever,_

_That is until she turned out the lights and said goodnight._

_Now she's gone and her art will never be seen again, nor her smiles or her laughs,_

_Its better this way I guess, they were all fake anyway._

_So now her pain has gone away and away is where it will forever stay._

I want that, to feel no pain, be at peace, to be done, free.

I’m such a coward, a loser, pathetic but I just can’t go on. The tears are now rushing down my face,

 

“Jarvis,” my voice cracked, “No one comes down here until I’m done.”

 

I sat down on the floor and looked at my knife, then my arm,

 

“ _Goodbye._ ” I whispered to myself.

 

I took one last look at the note I wrote and set it next to me and took a deep breath; then I put two long slices on my skin. Long and deep, one on each arm.

I was sobbing now, I could feel it, I could feel the pain on my arm again. I smiled as I let the darkness consume me, I sighed and let my body relax.

_Free_ was my very last thought.

 

“ _I’ve tried and tried but I can’t do this anymore. I love every single one of you._

_Steve; the way you always see the good in the world and the things that are just waiting to be drawn._

_Bruce; the way you manage to stay calm and happy and how you always want to help. I’m also a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into a green rage monster._

_Bucky: the way you listen to even the worst sob story with understanding and how you still manage to trust us after all the shit that went down._

_Natasha; the way you dance when you think no one’s looking and how you never let someone’s mask go unnoticed._

_Clint; you sarcastic, cuddly, bad-ass, piece of shit. I love the way you silently care for people and how you always look to make others laugh._

_Thor; you big softie, you always make people feel safe and at home, not to mention your cape is bad-ass._

_Phil; the way you care for the team, the family. Also you rock that suit man, just saying. But you’re like the Bobby Singer of the group._

_I love each of you with all my heart, even though all I manage to do is fuck shit up and cause pain. I’m so sorry for everything._

_You all get my money, house, company, suits, my blue ray copies of Supernatural seasons 1-11, and my heart._

_I already know this won’t affect any of you, the good champagne is in the cabinet, enjoy it and each other._

_Goodbye.”_


	2. Their Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The teams thinks about what just happened, none of them are very good at coping.  
> They do know this though, Tony is never doing something like this again, they won't let him. He's not alone.  
> He's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys so here's chapter two and I honestly didn't expect this story to get the feedback that it did, thanks so much you guys. 
> 
> Also a small side note for you guys.  
> On my profile is my email, feel free to send me something at anytime. Some of you guys have already contacted me, some asked for me to write them a poem (which I will do if you ask), some wanted to ask if I was okay, (which was nice <3), and some wanted someone who understood to talk to.  
> If any of you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. I check my email often and try to reply immediately.  
> Love you all!  
> <3 XD

The team was sitting in the living room not really doing anything when Jarvis spoke,

 

“Sir requires your immediate attention in his workshop, please hurry.”

 

They sprang into action and ran down to the workshop; all of them trying to convince themselves that Tony was okay and that was _not_ panic in Jarvis’s voice. Tony was fine. He was.

The doors opened and there sat Tony in a pool of his own blood,

 

“Tony!” they all shouted and ran over to the genius.

 

“Jarvis call-”

 

“Already done. Agent Coulson is on his way with a medical team now and should be here soon.”

 

Tony had already passed out due to blood loss, he was completely unaware of the panic that was on everyone’s face.

Natasha noticed the note and picked it up while Bruce and Steve put pressure on Tony’s wounds, as soon as she read the note her years of training had gone down the drain and she burst into tears.

Clint took the note from her and as he read it his face morphed into anger,

 

“Damn it Tony! You stubborn fucking bastard!”

 

“Clint calm down.” Said Bruce.

 

“Calm down!?! Calm down?!? Tony just tried to kill himself and wrote that fucking note and I’m supposed to calm down!?!”

 

The note was passed around to everyone. Bruce’s eyes turned green, Thor became quiet and solemn, Steve looked like a kicked puppy, and Bucky looked positively murderous as tears slid down his face.

Phil and the medical team rushed into the room and quickly put Tony on a stretcher and ran right back out. Nobody made a move to follow after the medical team, they all just sat there completely numb as they stared off into space.

Phil walked over slowly and picked up the note, his face hardened,

 

“Let’s go.”

 

The others nodded and slowly got up and left the room expect for Clint,

 

“Clint let’s go.” Phil said a bit louder in case he hadn’t heard.

 

“No.” Clint spat.

 

“Clint-”

 

“I said no!” he shouted, “How could Tony do this? How can he think we hate him that much, Phil?!?”

Clint fell to the floor and became a sobbing mess, “I don’t-” his voice broke, “I don’t understand.” He whispered.

 

Phil sighed and sat next to the archer, “I don’t know.” He said honestly, “But we’ll find out, until then though we’ll just have to show Tony how wrong he is.”

 

Clint nodded but made no move to get up, Thor walked in and looked at Clint for a couple seconds before walking over and picking the smaller man up. Clint wrapped his arms and legs around Thor and cried on his shoulder like a child.

Phil walked behind them; Tony would be okay, he’d live. Then they’d fix everything else, they’d get through this, together. He knew they would.

 

 

Tony needed twenty-one stitches in each arm and would be out for the next two days.

Clint hid in the vents in Tony’s hospital room, Thor stood near the window looking out at nothing in particular, Bruce sat in a corner of the room with his head on his knees, Bucky stood guard at the door with a stiff posture scaring the shit out of the hospital staff, Steve sat in one of the chairs with his head hung low while resting on his elbows, and Natasha was perched at the foot of Tony’s bed looking down at her hands.

Everyone’s thoughts were racing through their heads at ninety-five miles an hour.

 

**Thor.**

Thor stared out the window but was focused on nothing,

“ _How could this happen? Anthony is my shield brother and my friend. He’s given me a home, a family, a chance on earth. He treats me like an adult and explains things patiently to me. How could I not see the hurt and pain he was going through? I love young Stark as well and I swear on my hammer that Tony will never do something like this again and that he will always know that he has me._ ”

 

**Bruce.**

“ _In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out._ ”

Bruce’s breathing was slowly calming down and the Hulk slowly backed off.

“ _How could this happen? I see Tony almost every day, every day and he never said a word to me. He was the only one who wasn’t scared when we first met. Hell even Hulk likes “Tin Man” to death. I love Tony to death. Have I been that distant from him that Tony took is as hate? Tony is someone I will forever treasure and love._

_“Tin man hurt.”_

_“I know.”  
“_ _We keep safe.”_

_“I know, we will.”_

_“_ _Tin man ours.”_

_“That’s right buddy.”_

_We will protect Tony, always, he’s not alone, and I’m going to make sure he knows it too.”_

**Bucky.**

Bucky hadn’t been this close to becoming the Winter Solider in a real long time,

“ _Calm down Bucky, the last thing anyone needs is an appearance from the Winter Soldier and if Tony finds out he’ll blame it on himself.”_

Bucky remember the first time they met, Tony had walked into the room looking like a crazed mad scientist,

“Move.”

Bucky blinked and Tony just rolled his eyes, “You’re in the way and I need coffee.”

He walked over to the coffee pot and hugged it like it was his best friend, Bucky found out later that it was.

“ _Tony trusted me, made me a new arm, treated me like a human being, gave me a home, and showed me how to live. I owe him everything, I love him whole heartedly, why can’t he see that? …I’ll make him see, I’ll prove it to him._ ”

 

**Steve.**

“Big man in a suit of armor, take that away what are you?”

The question Steve had asked years ago popped up and ran around his head,

“ _Amazing, smart, beautiful, caring, thoughtful, sarcastic, mischievous, hurt and broken. That’s what he is and that’s what I over looked back then. Tony’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. I love that snarky piece of shit, what’s that this he says? Persassy? He’s part of my team, my family, and I let this happen. I let him think he was alone. We all did. And that’s changing now, I’ll be damned if I ever let anything like this ever happen again._ ”

 

**Natasha.**

“Tony Stark not recommended. Tony Stark not recommended. Tony Stark not recommended.”

“ _I never told him otherwise. I never told him I was wrong. That I take it back, I never changed my report. Tony thinks that I hate him and it’s my fault. I never told him otherwise. And how did I not notice? Am I losing my touch? Did I just choose not to see it? Or is Tony just that good of an actor. I don’t ever admit to people that I love them and that’s where I went wrong with Tony. Tony needs to not only here it though, he needs to see it. And if that’s what it takes then I can put aside my own discomfort and swallow my pride and tell him. He’s worth it._ ”

 

**Phil.**

He thanked the hospital staff then stood in the middle of the hallway looking lost.

“ _Tony’s been offering me a room at the tower for months now and I’ve always turned him down. Obviously he took it as rejection to him personally. I don’t even know why I keep saying no, at first it was because I didn’t want to get attached but it’s too late for that now. Somehow I’ve managed to care for all of them, never told them that though. But I can’t be the “Bobby Singer” of the group without caring for them right? Unless, unless Tony doesn’t consider himself part of the team, not really. That’s it. I’m moving into my room at the tower. Tony’s not getting away from me that easily, from none of us._ ”

 

**Clint.**

Clint sobbed silently to himself, “ _No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No! He can’t leave me. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t! No! Tony’s mine, he can’t- how can he- just, no. He, can’t leave me like this. How fucking dare he think this wouldn’t affect anyone. I’m destroying every damn bottle of champagne that he has. Tony’s my family. They're all I got, I can’t lose any of them, and I won’t. I’ll show that fucking bastard he does fucking mater. He’s not alone and this hurt everyone. _

_Fuck Tony man….and fuck me too for not noticing._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for my terrible grammar and spelling, I don't mean for it to be so bad. Sorry guys, I'll try to update soon. Leave a comment and/or a kudo.  
> Also I accept prompts, and if you guys want to see something in the story let me know and I'll see what I can do.  
> (p.s. ever heard to "Not Alone" by Red? you should listen to it."  
> <3 XD


	3. His Greeting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony's awake and let's just say that things could have gone a little bit better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I am so sorry! I don't even have an excuse for you, I am so, so, so sorry!
> 
> Here's the next update, I'll try really hard to update quicker from now on. 
> 
> This chapter is basically from my memory of waking up in the hospital, you'll find that a lot of this story will be based on my own experience minus a couple things.  
> Thank you guys so much for reading and I appreciate the love I've gotten in the comments and those of you who have just emailed me, it means a lot guys. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this update.  
> <3 XD

“ _I’m alone, there’s no one here but me. Only I can’t seem to remember who “me” is. I know I have a name, everyone has a name, I just don’t know what mine is._

_I look around me and find that I’m on a cliff; there’s a valley bellow me with a sparkling stream unlike any other that seems to stretch on forever. Straight ahead, far off in the distance, the sun hides behind tall green mountains. I turn and behind me lies a forest that becomes more sinister as the land grows darker._

_I can hear something moving in them, coming closer and closer to the edge, until it stops and becomes still. It’s waiting for me, waiting for me to step into those woods, knowing I’ll be easy prey._

_I’m not going to go in though, at least not yet. For now, I think I’ll just watch the sunset, one last time._

_I’m not sure how I got here but it’s peaceful and quiet and I feel at ease, so I’m happy to be here. I feel honored to be here in such a beautiful place, not every man is so lucky to look beauty in the eye before their fate greets them. I would talk to myself just to hear human speech before I leave, only I wouldn’t know what to call myself. So, I’ll just sit here for now, in silence._

_The sun is almost gone and the darkness slowly creeps up toward me like deaths silent approach. I still feel peace even when death is so near. But now I think I’ll get up and go into the woods, to greet my fate like a friend._

_The wind starts up and accompanies me as I come face to face with the woods now. I can hear it growling in the darkness, waiting for me to step into the woods._

_I turn to get one last look at the light. This is it, I’ve had my last look, my last kiss, and my last goodbye._

_I step into the darkness and it consumes me._

_I’ve met my fate there’s no more to it, I’ve gone and greeted death, with a smile._

_The end, my end._ ”

That’s what I had done, greeted death with a smile, or what I had thought I had done anyway.

I’m not dead though, I may not be awake but for some fucked up reason I’m still alive. I’m alive and it pisses me off. I know I cut deep enough and I told Jarvis not to let anyone down there until I was done so, oh. I didn’t specify, that little fucker he knew what I meant.

Whatever, next time I’ll do it somewhere away from life. I could turn myself over to someone I guess, I deserve whatever they’d give me, but they’d probably try to use me and I would like to die as soon as possible.

As I know everyone else will.

Tony opened his eyes and looked around the room lazily, ah. People are here, which means snark, sass, and jokes galore.

Then again maybe he won’t have to because people seem to be asleep so maybe he can just slip out. Tony sat up slowly and started to get off the bed when someone growled.

 

“Don’t you fucking dare.” Clint hissed.

 

Tony stared at Clint surprised to hear so many emotions in the man’s voice. Anger, venom, regret, relief, and deadly all managed to make an appearance.

 

“What’s the matter Katniss? You seem tense.”

 

“Drop the fucking act Tony!” Clint shouted.

 

At that moment everyone was awake but Tony’s mouth was faster.

 

“What the fuck is your problem?!”

 

“You’re my fucking problem you bitch. “ _I know this won’t affect any of you_!?” Screw you Tony! Like it or not it affects all of us because we do care you stupid, stubborn, fucking, bastard!”

 

“Fuck you Clint, you’re feeling guilty, you don’t care and neither do I you prick!”

 

Clint’s face showed so much emotion and hurt that Tony’s taken aback for a second.

 

“Fuck you Stark!”

 

Tony opened his mouth but was cut off when Bucky dragged Clint out of the room.

Natasha was the first to break the silence and she did it by slapping Tony across the face, hard. Tony opened his mouth but shut it quickly when Natasha started sobbing; Natasha doesn’t cry for anything.

Confusion flooded Tony as Bucky, who had just walked back in, took Natasha out.

Tony made the mistake of looking at Steve who looked like a kicked puppy,

 

“Do you really think we hate you Tony” asked Steve in a small broken voice.

 

“Look Spangles it’s not that-”

 

“If you say “big of a deal” Tony I swear I’ll hit you next.”

 

“Look Cap I know-”

 

“No you don’t Tony! You don’t know shit about how I feel so don’t you fucking sit there and act like you have me all figured out.”

 

Tony watched Steve cry and watched as Bucky also removed him from the room.

Bruce, who’s eyes were dangerously green, excused himself from the room to go blow off steam. Bucky nodded to the other man as he came in,

 

“And then there were three.”

 

“Tony. That’s enough.” Phil said, his voice dangerously low.

 

Something loud had crashed in the hallway and Phil sighed and left to straighten out whatever it was.

 

“So are you two going to yell at me too?”

 

Bucky’s eye bore holes into Tony but the man stayed silent and stayed in his position guarding the door.

 

Thor shook his head, “No Anthony, I do not wish to yell but I do wish to understand.”

 

“Understand what?”

 

“You. How is it you can be such a magnificent man with the most brilliant of minds and yet be so naive to the fact that you are loved and cherished.”

 

Thor shook his head when Tony opened his mouth,

 

“I have no desire to hear your lies and jokes. For I have just almost lost you. I shall return after the fair lady Natasha has stopped crying. Sleep well.”

 

And with that Thor turned and left.

Tony shifted uncomfortably under Bucky’s gaze,

 

“So are you going to say anything?”

 

Bucky didn’t say anything, nor did he move; Tony saw the pain, hurt, and anger in his eyes and was filled with even more confusion.

 

“Bucky? Hey earth to Bucky.”

 

Bucky still didn’t say anything.

 

“Come on man, say something. Yell, scream, shout, anything!”

 

“Why?” Bucky asked coolly, “Will anything I say matter to you? Will anything I say get it through your thick skull that we all love you? That _I_ love you? Will anything I say make you believe that I feel more at ease around you that anyone else, even Steve? Will anything I say help you realize that you are one of my most treasured and precious people I have ever come to care for?”

 

Tony was speechless as his brain tried to process what Bucky had said,

 

“No. The answer is no Tony. At least right now, nothing I say will help you see any of this. So, I will say nothing, but I’m not leaving either. Now go to sleep Tony.”

 

Tony, still speechless with a confused brain, did indeed fall asleep.

 

His last thought was, “ _Why are they acting like they care?_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone want to start editing this story for me? Just let me know.  
> Sorry for my grammar and spelling guys but I hope you liked it anyway. 
> 
> Side note, to help me with my cutting I'm going to start leaving a note at the bottom with the last time since I cut, accountability helps so yah.  
> Anyway, just a heads up, ignore it or whatever.
> 
> Love you all!  
> <3 XD
> 
> 1 week; 2 days; 6 hours.


	4. Their thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to everyone when they left the room? What did they think about their reactions to Tony waking up?   
> Let's find out shall we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well you know what this means, I'M BACK!!!!   
> And I can't even begin to describe how I felt about all of your comments, I have never felt so loved and supported. Thank you all so much, truly, you all mean the world to me.   
> Now to answer some big questions, yes I'm out. No I didn't rush my recovery, I did try for a little bit I'll admit. But that lady had a bullshit sensor or something. The counselor they gave me was a reader of my stories, so yah she knew what was up.   
> Anyway but she got my login to my account and did three things,   
> 1\. She read things and added it to my bookmarks if she thought I would enjoy it.   
> 2\. When I was good she gave me my notebooks and let me write an update.  
> 3\. Printed out the comments by four's sometimes three's and we made that part of my therapy.   
> Thank you all so much again, just damn, I love you guys.   
> Now I'm out and I can post and reply to everything but Tony's journey will still follow me so when you read the next chapter it's basically also my experience while in the hospital but tweaked to fit the story. Hopefully you all like it. 
> 
> This week I'll be emailing the people who offered to listen to me, beware you crazy people you. That is a huge step for me so I hope it goes well.   
> To the people who offered to edit this story I still plan on sending this story to you, I just didn't this time because I wanted to be all like, "SURPRISE I'M BACK!" Were you surprised?   
> Lol, love you all and I hope you like this update.   
> <3 XD

**Clint.**

“Damn it Bucky let go! Put me down you git!”

 

Bucky set Clint down in one of the waiting rooms that was currently empty.

 

“Stay here.”

 

Clint opened his mouth to protest but Bucky spoke first,

 

“No. He needs us I know. No one wants to leave him, especially since he thinks we hate him. But what you just did helps no one, you need to calm down before you see him again.

He needs you Clint but not like that; calm down then come back”

 

Clint sniffed and looked down at his feet, Bucky sighed and pulled the archer in for a hug.

Clint wrapped his arms and legs around Bucky and cried.

They stood like that for a moment then Bucky pressed a kiss to Clint’s head and set him down.

Clint watched Bucky leave and curled in on himself.

 

“ _Tony thinks you hate him and that’s how you react? You fucking dumb ass. Oh yah he totally knows you love him now. Way to go Clint. Way. To. Fucking. Go. …. why does he think I hate him in the first place?”_

 

Clint sniffed and wrapped his arms around his legs, hiding his face as he cried.

 

“I love you Tony.”

 

“ _Why can’t I say that to his face?_ ”

 

  
  


**Natasha.**

Bucky sighed as Natasha started to cry; he took her out of the room too and brought her to another empty waiting room.

 

“ _It’s a good thing Tony built the Avengers their own floor.”_

Natasha cried into Bucky’s chest,

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, m’ sorry! I didn’t mean to- it was- he said he doesn’t care.”

 

She whispered the last part and let out another broken sob,

 

“Just calm down, okay? We’ll try again in a minuet. Shh, it’ll be okay Nat.

….do you want to go see Clint?”

 

Natasha shook her head, “That’s okay. Just calm down and I’ll be back for you later.”

 

Natasha nodded and watched Bucky leave.

 

“ _Brilliant Natasha. ‘Oh my poor Tony is hurting, let’s hurt him more shall we?’ cause nothing says love like violence._ ”

 

“Tony, I was wrong. So very wrong, I love you.”

 

“ _Now why can’t I say that to him physically?_ ”

 

**Steve.**

“Come on Steve.”

 

Bucky sat the man down then sat next to him and held him.

 

Steve leaned into the embrace, “Buck-”

 

“I know.” Bucky interrupted, “It’s okay, I know.”

 

“But he doesn’t Bucky! Why doesn’t he know!?!”

 

Bucky sighed, “I don’t know.” He said honestly, “But we’ll just have to change it. We’ll just have to help him see.”

 

Steve nodded, “Where’s Clint at?”

 

Bucky pointed to one of the waiting rooms, Steve nodded and made his way over there. Clint was still in the corner of the room crying; Steve gathered the smaller man up in his arms and set him up in his lap. Clint buried himself deeper into the embrace but otherwise didn’t react to Steve’s presence.

Which was fine by Steve, he didn’t feel like talking much. He didn’t trust his voice even if he did,

 

“ _Out of all the ways this could have gone, why’d it have to go the wrong way._

_Tony’s hurting and thinks I hate him so I respond by shouting at him._

_Oh yes he knows I love him now._

_I am such an idiot!”_

Steve looked at the now sleeping man in his lap,

 

“ _Why is it when Clint’s hurt you can hold him but all you can do with Tony is yell?_

_…because you have no clue how to comfort Tony. You’ve never done it before, nobody has. So no one knows where to begin._

_Not to mention Clint knows I love him, Tony doesn’t. How do you comfort someone who thinks you hate them?_

_…. we need help. We are so in over our heads here, Tony needs us but he also needs real help._

_Why is this so hard?_ ”

 

“We love you Tony. _I_ love you.”

 

“ _Now if only I could say that to him._ ”

 

**Bruce.**

I nodded to Bucky as I left the room.

Tony had built a Hulk room for me and that’s where I need to be.

I ran in and locked myself in and presto, I instantly felt calmer.

 

“ _Why tin man say bad things?_ ”

 

“ _I don’t know buddy, I really don’t.”_

_“Why can’t you fix him?”_

_“He’s not a machine buddy, it happens. Sometimes we get something we can’t fix in a couple of hours.”_

_“why bird man and fire hair and blue man hurt tin man?”_

_“They’re mad, at him, each other, themselves. We don’t know how to handle something like this.”_

_“You did. Long time ago.”_

_“…I know. This is different though bud.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because I’m dealing with it this time.”_

_“Hm.”_

Bruce took a deep breath as Hulk backed off

 

“In. Out. In. Out. In. Out”

 

_“Tin Man family.”_

_“That’s right bud. Now we just have to tell him that.”_

**Phil.**

 

Something crashed loudly in the hallway outside, I sighed and left the room. Which is just as well since I was about to lose my temper as well.

When he stepped out of the hallway the first thing he noticed was a chair just lying there. Phil walked to the waiting room where Natasha was; which had been trashed. Natasha looked up at him from the floor looking completely defeated.

Phil sat next to her and she put her head down in his lap. Phil sighed and started running fingers through her hair,

 

“Alright, spill”

 

Natasha took a deep breath, “I hit Tony. I fucking cried! I’m an assassin! I’m supposed to notice when people are hiding behind masks! I’m supposed to be able to not feel a damn thing! And yet when Tony’s concerned I fucking lose everything! I become weak!”

 

“No.” Phil stated firmly, “You become human Nat. We’re a family. It’s hard to treat your family like a mission. It doesn’t work like that.”

 

“Why not?!”

 

“Because we love Tony.” Phil stated simply.

 

Natasha sniffed, turned, and hid her face in Phil’s stomach.

 

Phil sighed, “ _I’m in charge of all the Avengers, it’s my job to notice and take care of them. That includes Tony, and I ignored him, we all failed. I failed more than everyone else though._ ”

 

 

**Thor.**

 

Thor sighed when he left the room, this isn’t the first time something like this had happened to Thor. Loki has done this many times and it never gets easier for him.

 

“ _How does this happen? How did I not see the same signs that Loki showed, they were all there and with Loki-_

_Loki._

_Loki can help Shield brother Tony; Tony will need someone that understands, someone that has done what he has done._ ”

 

He walked into the waiting room Natasha and Phil were in,

 

“Is the fair lady Natasha asleep?”

 

Phil sighed and nodded, “Cried herself to the point of exhaustion.”

 

Thor nodded solemnly, “I must leave to find my brother but I shall return.”

 

Phil nodded slowly and Thor left the room,

 

“ _I pray I am making the right decision._ ”

 

**Bucky.**

 

Bucky stared at Tony’s sleeping figure, “ _I’m right, nothing I say will matter to him anyway, so I won’t say anything to him._

_But that sure as hell doesn’t mean I’m leaving him.”_

“I’ll always be here for you Tony.” Bucky whispered.

 

_“I promise.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are amazing and I look forward to continuing this journey with you all.   
> Now my cutting update I was doing will start at zero just because I don't think I can count when I was in the hospital since it's almost impossible to sneeze without someone knowing.   
> Love you all, I know I keep saying it but I can't say it enough. Thank you all so much.   
> <3 XD


	5. His small breakthrough.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A decision has been made, but a small breakthrough happens as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO FUCKING SORRY YOU GUYS!!!!  
> I swear I didn't mean to leave this for so long.
> 
> But fixing yourself a bit in a hospital doesn't mean you're fixed for real life shit.   
> My end note will go into detail if you want to know.   
> Again I am SO sorry you guys. :(  
> Love you all!  
> P.s. I'll reply to all of your comments from the previous chapter tomorrow!  
> <3 XD

**_Numb._ **

_Comfortably so._

_Negative emotions behind the wall._

_Out of sight, out of mind._

_Nothing’s wrong anymore._

**_Everything’s better._ **

_Life is how it should be._

_Happy, energetic, full of promise, bright._

_Everything is perfect._

_Until the wall starts to crumble._

_The wall crumbles so slowly you don’t really notice._

_And slowly the bad starts to ooze out of the wall._

_Back into the head._

_The world becomes a bit dimmer,_

**_Darker,_ **

****

**_Scarier._ **

_And the promise of a great future slowly goes away._

_You notice the wall crumbling now,_

_And you try to fix it of course._

_And you put all your energy into it._

_And you become tired._

_But you still put all your energy into fixing the wall,_

_Even though you don’t have any left._

_But even with all your hard work_

_The wall still crumbles,_

_And the negative is all around you_

_And you lose your fight_

_And slowly, your hope._

_And because everything had been behind the wall,  
you have no idea how to deal with any of it,_

**_You’re unprepared,_ **

****

**_Alone,_ **

****

**_Scared,_ **

****

**_And broken._ **

_You’ve lost all hope and fight now,_

_So you let what’s left of the wall_

_Come crumbling down,_

_There’s no point in trying to fix the unfixable,_

_Soon you shut down._

**_Then you’re numb again,_ **

**_But it’s not a comfortable numb anymore_ **

_It’s more of a silent numb,_

_Because it starts to feel like you’re not alive._

_You can always try something new,_

_And start the whole process again,_

_But eventually,_

_You get tired,_

_Too tired to try again._

_So you don’t, you stop trying,_

_And then you fade._

**_Then you’re freely numb._ **

 

 

* * * * * * *

 

Tony groaned and stretched before opening his eyes, it was dark outside, so he’s slept for five or six hours?

He should be able to go home soon; he’s stable, alive, he can leave now.

 

“No.” Steve said from one of the chairs.

 

“What?”

 

“I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no.

You can’t go home yet.”

 

“Why the fuck now!?”

 

“We can’t trust you and we don’t know how to help you Tony.

We wouldn’t know where to begin Tony, I would love nothing more than to take you home and keep you wrapped up and safe, but that’s not going to help much at this point.”

 

Tony blinked, “You can’t do that-”

 

“Yes I can Tony, fill out the right paperwork and I can.

Phil signed it, I signed it, Clint Natasha, Thor, Bucky, Pepper, Rhodey, Bruce, hell even Hulk made an appearance in signing it.”

 

Tony frowned and shook his head, “What makes you think you have the right-”

 

“We’re family Tony, I have every right to keep my family alive.”

 

“No! When-”

 

“No one’s going to find out if that’s what you’re worried about. Pepper and Rhodey found the best place with people they all trust. You’ll be safe there.”

 

Tony shook his head, “No! I’m not going and you can’t fucking make me!”

 

Tony already knew he had lost the battle and his argument was that of a child’s but Tony was stubborn.

 

Bucky sighed from in front of the door, “Yes we can and we will drag you there if we have to.”

 

Tony sighed, “When am I going and where is everyone else?”

 

“Phil is finishing up the paperwork, Bruce I behind you meditating or slepping, Pepper make Natasha go with her, Thor is looking for Loki, and Clint’s in the ventilation systems.”

 

“I’m not asleep Steve.” Bruce grumbled from his spot on the floor.

 

“Bruuuuce! You signed it!?”

 

Bruce stood up and walked over to Tony, “Yes I did.”

 

Tony looked horrified, “What? Whyyyy!?!” he whined.

 

“It’s like Steve said, we need help. _You_ need help, and we’re not losing you.”

 

Tony crossed his arms, “Fine whatever, send me away so you don’t have to deal with me, See if I care.”

 

“Damn it Tony that’s not why we’re doing this!” Steve shouted.

 

“Then why are you doing it Spangles?” Tony asked wearily.

 

He didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything espically since they told Rhodey and Pepper-

 

Oh no!

Oh SHIT!

 

Tony’s breathing picked up as the thought settled in his head.

Rhodey knew.

They told _Rhodey_!

 

“ _They fucking told Pepper!_

_Why did they have to tell Pepper AND Rhodey!?!_ ”

 

Clint dropped down from the ventilation, “Tony?”

 

Bruce frowned, “One word Tony, that’s all I want you to give me okay? Then we won’t make you talk again, just one word.”

 

“Rhodey.” Tony croaked out.

 

Clint climbed into the bed with Tony and wrapped him in his arms,

 

“Steve, Bucky, move closer so we can see where you’re at.”

In. Out. Come on Tony, in and out.”

 

Clint has Tony’s head on his heart and Tony focused on the sound of it, “ _In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.”_

Clint thought quickly, “Did I tell you about the time Natasha went and punched Fury in the face?

We were sent on a mission that I can’t tell you about cause secret of whatever.

Anyway; we went, we conqured, we won, it was great.

It took like two weeks and we got almost no sleep. We looked and smelled like shit, felt like shit too.

Fury took one look at Natasha and said, “The fuck happened to you Agent? You reek and look like complete shit.”

And that was the wrong thig to say to her at that point and time I guess because she walked over to him really calmly, and then slammed her fist into his nose.

She smiled as sweetly as she could and told him, “Now we match.”

She walked out of his office and into Phil’s for her debrief.”

 

Tony’s breathing slowly calmed down as he came off of panics edge. He cracked a small smile as Clint’s story sunk in.

Natasha punched Fury in the face. The face!

 

Damn that women could do anything. Which was both satisfyingly scary and comforting.

Natasha was fun, scary, but fun.

Tony liked Natasha.

But then again so did everyone else, Natasha’s nice.

 

…she cried though, Natasha doesn’t cry. But she did today.

Why would she cry?

It couldn’t be because she cared right?

That’s not what it was about right?

 

Was it because he failed?

 

No. if she was upset over that she’d just kill him herself.

Which meant the other reason was because she cared.

But that wasn’t true and he knew it.

 

So it must be because he failed.

That must be it.

He’d disappointed her so much that she cried.

 

That right there was complete and sound reasoning.

Not at all circular reasoning.

 

Tony took a deep breath, “I’m not going.”

 

“Tony-”

 

“NO!”

 

Clint got up, “Why the hell not!”

 

Tony glared, “Because I said no bird-brain!”

 

“Why!!?! Why are you so against getting help!? Why the fuck can’t you just accept that we love you and want you to get better!?!!

Why can’t you just accept help!”

 

“Because I don’t need it!”

 

“ _BULLSHIT!_

What’s the real reason Tony! Why do you keep hiding!”

 

“Because I’m scared to damn it!” Tony screamed, “I’m scared of doctors, hospitals, and fucking nurses!

I’m scared of being alone! I’m fucking terrified of medications that shut down parts of my brain!

I’m scared and I’m NOT going!”

 

Tony’s fists were clenched as he glared at Clint.

Bruce pushed a silent Clint out of the way and sighed,

 

“Tony, I promise, do you hear me? I promise. _Nothing_ will harm you, you’ll be safe.

It won’t be forever, Tony. Not forever.

We won’t leave you there, we’ll come and visit, and every time you want one of us we’ll come running.

 

You’re not alone Tony.

And you don’t have to do or take anything you don’t want to while you’re there.

I promise Tony.”

 

Tony nodded really slowly, “Okay.” He said softly.

 

Tony leaned back and closed his eyes, “ _Okay._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so here it goes guys.  
> Basically I get out and all the medication in the world is shoved down my throat, by the time they were done I had like, twelve different medications I was taking.   
> One of them did nothing, another had a side affect of suicidal thoughts, one shut down my creative side almost entirely, one shut down my emotions, and another had my head develop voices. Like actual voices people! I mean, what the fuck!?! (They've gone away now at least)  
> Anyway, so I stopped taking any medication, I refuse to take anymore.   
> That caused some problems obviously with my mother.  
> I got real into cutting again; words, lines, ect.  
> I was having at least four panic attacks a day. I almost committed suicide like three time, (Shout out to Takara_Phoenix, one of your stories for some reason pulled me off that edge. Thank you for that.)  
> Anyway, so basically I was undoing everything I had done in the hospital. 
> 
> But eventually I decided with me myself and I that I was tired of everyone's shit, and I was going to do whatever the hell I wanted to help myself and everyone else could go fuck themselves.   
> SO I went and made a list of what makes me feel happy and stuff and got a bunch of books from the library.  
> I discovered I like having some type of schedule, it makes me feel secure in my day. So I made one, and I'm still developing it, but I'm making it really lax so if I can't do something it's okay.  
> I'm trying meditation and so far I'm happy with the results.   
> I've removed some stupid things in my life; I decided I'm not going to college. School isn't for me.   
> I love writing, so I figured I'd get a minimum wage paying job or whatever and just work towards publishing my books and stuff.   
> That helped a lot, I've stopped trying to please my mom so much so yay me!  
> My senior year of high school is still a bit bumpy but I've got some new things I'll be trying there as well.   
> I've recently realized I can't talk to my mother, and have come to terms with it. It turns out, I'm not as upset as I thought I would be by it.   
> Anyway now I'm ready to start writing again, so here we are now.  
> You guys have helped me so much, words cannot begin to express how much you guys have helped me. 
> 
> I love you all so much and thank you for being a part of my support and family.  
> <3 XD


End file.
